i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
