I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
