This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
