I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
