i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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