You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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