She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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