When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
