Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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