Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
