I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
