Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
