why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
