Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
This is my life. Enjoy the view
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
