I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
