I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
