'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
