In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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