You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
