one word: firstdatebathroomanal
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Randomize
