Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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