Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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