Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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