Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
