I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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