The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
