Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
