I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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