Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
