i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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