4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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