I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
