somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
