You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
i now understand why vodka
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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