In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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