i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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