Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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