I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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