those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
