I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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