Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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