Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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