What did we do last night that was yellow?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Randomize