I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
soo... how was my night?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
