blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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