DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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