Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
