my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Someone shattered a urinal.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
