I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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