I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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