I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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