I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
