he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize