Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
