I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
