and next time when you feel me up, do it right
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
