She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
