On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
