I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
